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Tengo un secreto.
I’m
afraid
to go
to Spain.
I leave in a few weeks, and I’m scared
But not for the usual reasons.
Nope.
I’m afraid to take people there. Even though this will be the fourth time I’ve taken a group there to study.
Viewing entries tagged
fear
1. Do it anyway
2. Come back to your body
3. Respect opinions, but be yourself
4. Feel and allow
5. Notice all of the other "not thems" who are doing it alongside you
6. Remember that art is universal, and so is expression
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Tengo un secreto.
I’m
afraid
to go
to Spain.
I leave in a couple of days, and I’m scared
But not for the usual reasons.
Keep Reading
Ricardo asked me how things were going here in Jerez.
I told him everything was great
Everyone was happy. We were hearing tons of flamenco. Doing tons of flamenco. Learning a lot. The weather was nice...
"Todo bien," I told him, except that I felt like my body looked weird when I danced.
"Andaaaaa. Tu cabeza si que es rara."
"Come on! Your head is what is messed up," he told me.
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Another story from Jerez...
Somehow I convinced everyone to go to bulerías class with me
I told them how it terrified me. I told them I was terrorized by it. But they still wanted to go.
I took them there even before our first class with Mercedes.
I needed for them to see it. I was hoping they would want to take it too. I was worried they might think it was too much on top everything else.
Physically it is not demanding. So, that would be no issue.
But mentally, well...
I had told them about it the night before
They were ready for certain things.
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I wrote and posted this story about two years ago. I was so inspired by Akiko that I wanted to repost it today, with a few adjustments. Today when I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed out about all kinds of things.
Today when I am feeling shut down and scared to perform this weekend, as I so often get.
Today when I need grounding and inspiration.
Today I need to remember Akiko in the springtime in Sanlúcar...
Allow me to tell you a bit about Akiko, one of the many inspiring people I've met during my time here in Jerez.
Not too long ago Akiko began taking classes in Japan from Harumi, an incredibly graceful flamenco dancer from Osaka who básicamente seems to have mastered las bulerías de Jerez. She even co-teaches with Ana María López at la Peña los Cernícalos when she is in town.
But back to Akiko.
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A video interview with Ricardo López to calm your nerves...
Sometimes we joke around in class about Ricardo
Not behind his back, don't worry. We do it both when he's here and when he's not. We pretend we're him, and we walk around with intense looks on our faces, vigilando.
Other times we just pretend he's there in the room with us, looking like he looks.
It's fun. You should try it.
The thing is, he doesn't usually have an intense look on his face
In the video below, you can see for yourself.
I ask him about getting nervous before a workshop. Because the thought of studying with an out-of-this-world amazing dancer from Spain who is used to dancing with the best of the best can feel a little bit intimidating to some of us around here.
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Another story from Jerez...
Getting in
One day in bulerías class Ani asked me to tell the ladies that getting in is the hardest part.
And so I did.
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We had FUN with Ricardo. (If you missed him this time, don't cry, he'll be back...)
What one student had to say
(It really moved me...)
"Thank YOU so much! I had an amazing time this weekend with you, Ricardo, and everyone at your studio. I am really just blown away, in so many ways.
Laura I have not danced in at least 4 years. No exercise, no dancing, nada. I have been going crazy all this time, with this love inside me, trying to channel it through cante occasionally but most of the time having no outlet.
I have been scared I couldn't make it,
I left almost immediately after the show ended last night.
And people said, ¿Te vas Laura, Ya?
"You're leaving, now?"
Sí, me voy.
Even though the show just ended. I wasn't even waiting to see if something exciting happened next. I wasn't even staying to socialize some more. I was going home as early as 12:30 am...
Sí.
It was a peña show last night. At Peña La Bulería.
Read on for a video and a story
Some good things have happened since my trip began. And I've already learned something very important. A story and a video of Manuel Liñan dancing.
On Monday I went to the Portland airport.
I befriended the woman standing behind me in the security line who, as it turns out, I already knew. We talked and I told her about my trip. She told me it was going to be great even though I was scared that everything would fall apart. She also told me I would definitely organize more...
On Tuesday I arrived in Madrid.
It was sunny and the sky was blue. I was in Spain and happy.
Now I am in Jerez. It is rainy and the sky is grey. I am still in Spain. I am still happy.
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Ok, so there is this one thing I've noticed that really, really, really has a BIG effect on my dancing. Is it the biggest effect? I don't know.
But it's big
I know how important it is, yet I still refuse to consistently give it the credit it deserves.
I want to remember to do it. Or no, not remember, I want to do it even if I don't want to.
You know how much I like stories, so let us begin with a story.
Un cuento
It was a Wednesday much like today, sunny and hot that is. I was in Jerez. It was the spring of 2011...
The rest of the story comes in the form of but another excerpt from my journal.
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The following post is about fear, about overwhelm, perhaps about stage fright. About Ricardo López's dancing and reaching my lack of motivation.
We've had all week to work on the show.
But I've felt FROZEN.
Congelada. I've found any excuse not to practice, not to get the help I wanted from Ricardo… At first I didn't know why. I just decided I was lazy.
I only went through things in my head. I know, I know, that's an important way of practicing.
Ricardo is sharp. He is fast. He is precise. He is intense. He sweats. He puts it all out there. I don't understand how he does this. I don't do this.
And I feel lazy.
I have this thing in me that shows up a lot, Doubt, which I guess comes from Fear. It keeps me from doing all kinds of things, or has me do things kind-of-sort-of rather than completely. It bothers and annoys me, though I suppose it might have important things to tell me, perhaps it is there for a reason. I don’t usually know why or what it has to tell me, but I’d like to start paying more attention and perhaps find out.
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Ok, so I mentioned that I had another resolution, apart from the first one. This one is harder to put into words, so I'm allowing for it to be something other than a concise written statement. After all, soy artista, used to expressing myself in a variety of ways. This resolution has to do with my business, with respecting and honoring it. It has to do with allowing for it to evolve as it needs to evolve. It has to do with me providing the space and time to let this happen. It has to do with allowing myself to have doubts and fears but viewing those with curiosity rather than interpreting them as signals to give up.
¡Dejarlo todo, No!
You see, quite regularly, I think about quitting this all and just going back to working for someone else. It is confusing. And it kind of terrifies me. Maybe I am not supposed to say that here, but it is the truth, and I am saying it. It is not that I don't want to be here or that I don't love what I'm doing. Noooo, not at all. In fact, I have been doing some research and have discovered it is quite the opposite:
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So my biggest issue with bulerías when I got to Jerez was the transitions. Well, ok, that’s not really true, my biggest issue after fear. But about the transitions, it was like all of a sudden I couldn’t see them. And I didn’t know what to do.
It was my first time in Ana María López’s class after dancing by myself in front of EVERYONE, which is what you have to do EVERY day there and actually NUMEROUS times every day.
And you can’t hide.
You can’t escape by leaving the room because someone calls you, even if you’re outside practicing or just trying to escape all of the smoke. - Yes, smoking. Lots of smoking goes on in class, from start to finish - And if you try to pretend you didn’t hear that you were called and still don’t come in, someone comes to get you.
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My main obstacle to bulerías has always been fear, not trusting my instincts. It's no different from my main obstacle in life. It is what makes me so indecisive. No wonder bulerías has always been so hard for me...I don't trust. Wah! This realization was profound. In a moment I'll share with you some things I've come to know about bulerías…things that have made it easier, less scary to dance. (There is also a Workshop coming up where we'll cover this in-depth...) The truth is, now I kind of can't get enough of bulerías. It is not that the fear has been eradicated completely, but the excitement and fun usually push it off to the side now. Gracias excitement and fun.
So, I used to haaaaate bulerías (while secretly loving it.)
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I guess you could say I was kind of consumed with fear during my time in Jerez. I did things anyway, but I also didn't do things. Below is an excerpt (with some side notes) written during my first week alone there. For those who are new to this blog, I had been in Jerez a couple of weeks before for the Festival. After a brief trip to Portugal, I headed back. I arrived on Friday the 25th and began my search for classes.
Prior to leaving for Spain I knew who I wanted to take from and had names of studios and phone numbers; I even had an idea of when some of the classes were offered. Sí! I had done my research, I promise, as best as I could from Portland, Oregon...I had to for the RACC grant. And during the festival I got an idea of where the studios were located. But I had yet to figure out the class times. Could I have done more to determine this earlier in the month? Perhaps. But figuring out where and when things happen in that town is not as easy as one might think…
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What show? TraCaTRA. Danica would arrive in Portland on Monday; the show would happen the following Sunday. We've put together shows in less time, entonces, "Sí, hagamos un show!" we decided.
El proceso para mí: I notice I often really really really want to do a show then stop wanting to as the date approaches because I get SCARED and start losing the motivation to prepare.
It seems to go something like this:
Allow me to tell you a bit about Akiko, one of the many inspiring people I've met during my time here in Jerez. Not too long ago Akiko began taking classes in Japan from Harumi, an incredibly graceful flamenco dancer from Osaka who básicamente seems to have mastered las Bulerías de Jerez...she even co-teaches with Ana María López in la Peña los Cernícalos when she is in town. But back to Akiko. She had been studying flamenco for a few years before she encountered Harumi. That is when things took a turn for her, flamenco things that is. She began learning about the cante and how it related to the dance, about how to do palmas and about las Bulerías de Jerez. She was exposed to a flamenco that went far beyond just choreography. She was introduced to an essence, and she was intrigued. Harumi went to Jerez for an extended period of time leaving Akiko without a teacher. Golden Week, the big holiday in Japan was coming up. The Friday before her vacation began it quite suddenly occurred to Akiko to go to Jerez as well, so she got online to investigate plane tickets. By the time she'd logged off, she had purchased an e-ticket to Spain, set to leave in just four days! Then it hit her, "What in the world did I just do?" Harumi was shocked when Akiko contacted her saying she would be there on Tuesday. Her family thought she was nuts, but somehow Akiko knew it was what she needed.